Irish Jokes

1. Hearing Impairment ?
   Pat, the cop, is working the evening shift in a town in Kerry. Shortly before the pub closed, he sees Murphy and his wife driving home in their car. Almost right in front of the officer, Mrs Murphy falls out of the car. Murphy keeps right on driving down the road to home. With Mrs Murphy laying in the road, Pat hakes off on his bike to catch Murphy. After chasing him for a mile or so, Pat finally succeeds in pulling him over. "Murphy", says Pat, "Your wife fell out of the car about a mile up the road." "Praise be to Jesus", says Murphy, "I thought I'd gone deaf." --Mike McHugh 7/14/00
   
   
2. Subject: Oh Father
   Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
    " The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"  O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  - Jim Albrittion 3/28/03
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3. Pigeons
   There are three churches in this little town in Clare.  A Catholic one, a Church of Ireland and a Methodist Church.  The town is plagued with pigeons, so the boards of each church decide to have a meeting of the parishioners to solve the problem.
   At the Methodist meeting, after much discussion, the parishioners decide that since God put the pigeons on the earth, and that the pigeons were God's creatures, who were we to decide to get rid of them.  The Methodists decided to do nothing.
   The parishioners of the Church of Ireland met, and decided that the town was pre destined to have this problem, and who were we, mere mortals, to interfere with God's plan?  The Church of Ireland decided to do nothing.
   At the meeting of the Catholic Church, however, after much discussion, a decision was made.  The Parishioners decided to baptize all of the pigeons, then enroll them in the parish.  That way, they would only be bothered by the pigeons on Christmas and Easter.-- Fr. Cullen 03/08/03.
    
4. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
   Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
   
   Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
   
   
5. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
   The man said, "I do, Father."
   The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
   Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
   "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
   "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
   Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
   O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
   The priest said, "I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
   O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
    
6. Paddy was in New York.
   He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
   He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
   After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
    
7. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
   "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
   "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.   "Where are ye callin' from?"
    
8. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
   He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
   "Just water," says t he priest.
   The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
   The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
    
9. Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
   "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
   "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
   "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!   What did she say?"
   She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
    
10. Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
    In th e morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
    She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
    Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
    "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
     
11. On holiday in Europe, Bert noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bert asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he'd like to call it, it would be $1,000. Bert was amazed, but declined the offer. Throughout Europe Bert kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for $1,000. Bert finished his European tour in Ireland. He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating: DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN 25 cents. After mass Bert went up to a priest and said, "Father, I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always $1,000. Why is this one only 25 cents? The priest smiled and said, "Son, you're in Ireland now, it's a local call. -- Bill O'Brien 09.22.07